The Safe Word

I’ve been in the BDSM community most of my adult life. I’ve seen so many different forms of the lifestyle, with many different protocols. But the one constant I see is the balance of power and control. The dominant has control of what happens and the submissive has the power to not participate. This balance is one of the most important aspects of BDSM.

To those outside the community the world of BDSM can seem scary. The parallels to an abusive relationship are easy to make. But the one thing that protects the submissive is the Safe Word. Consent is the foundation of any relationship. And in this article I will cover the myths of the Safe Word and how to spot a bad dominant.

The Reason for the Word.

BDSM revolves a lot around role playing. Often in the course of play, the appearance of non consent is important. The feeling of danger is part of the fun. But the feeling is not reality. And to make sure of that we use safe words. A word that can be spoken in place of normal protests. The most common safe word being, “Red”. When this word is spoken all play comes to a stop. A good dominant would then tend to the needs of the submissive without blame or anger. But this isn’t always the truth. There are dominants out there who do take advantage. Below are some of the myths that a bad dominant may tell you about the safe word.

1 - The Unpronounceable Word.

The first time I heard this I thought someone was telling a joke. The submissive, a young woman, had done a good amount of research before attempting to find a dominant. So when she found the person she would be willing to experiment with, let’s call him The Badom, she insisted on a safe word. This seemed to trouble Badom. But seeing as she would not waiver on this he proposed an option. He told her his safe word was a German word, saying it was part of his German heritage. In order for the submissive to invoke it, she would have to speak it perfectly.

This raised some issues with the submissive. But Badom eased her mind about how lenient he would be, that it’s more funny then serious. The first few sessions went alright. The submissive would say something close to the word she was told and things would stop. About a month into the relationship things started to change. Badom would push the word; punishing her for getting it wrong. Instead of breaking off the arrangement the submissive began researching the word. Even practicing it to prevent further punishment.

It was a few more months before she finally broke up with him. And it wasn’t until the last few days was she able to admit the abuse. The safe word is meant to be simple. The only reason one should choose a word besides “Red” or “Stop” is if those words are to be commonly used in play. Be wary of anyone who chooses a safe word on the belief that you cannot pronounce it.

2 - You can use a Safe Word but…

This may be one of the more common problems in the community. Respecting the right to use the safe word is just as important as the word itself. There are instances where the dominant may not even realize their acting inappropriately.

One of the first instances that come to mind revolved around a nice gay couple I knew. I met them later in their relationship so I never felt comfortable approaching them about it. In this scenario Badom was a nice guy, often very attentive. However, when it came to his favorite form of play, large insertion play, he would get visibly annoyed at the submissive when the safe word was spoken. To the point I even witnessed him mock the submissive after he spoke it.

Self control is an important aspect of a dominant. When the safe word is spoken, there is no place for a dominant to put their feelings above the submissive’s. Badom had a habit of doing this often. He directly told me once that the submissive, “just does it to be a brat”. This trivialization of the safe word is not just damaging to the relationship; It's also damaging to the submissive.

They were together another year or so before things fell apart. It was only then did the submissive feel comfortable enough to speak out about what happened to him. The Badom didn’t really know what he’d done wrong. In fact he defended himself quite frequently. He was an older gentleman and often used that as an excuse. No one intentionally wants to be a Badom. If you are in a similar situation, a conversation should be had. You’re feelings do matter. And the safe word is a sacred word without consequence.

3 - There is no Safe Word

This by far is the worst of them all. Now, I’m not saying anyone who doesn’t have a safe word is a Badom. I’ve met people who have been together for so long they no longer use one. But even in these cases should someone shout out, “Red” things still stop.

I had a close friend who got married to a Badom. He explained to her that she was not a submissive but instead a slave. So she did not have the ability to tell him, “No”. This is the worst form of abuse in the BDSM community. Removing any power from the submissive is a deliberate act of abuse. The Badom began conditioning her to accept her new role. This made it impossible to convince her of the dangers of the situation.

It took her almost a decade to finally escape him. And she’s still recovering today. If any new dominant ever tells you that there is no safe word, that they can do as they will without your consent or objection, that is rape. In this case the Badom would use consent given in the beginning of the relationship to justify his actions later on. I’ve heard him say, “You wanted to be a slave”. Making the submissive feel like the perpetrator of the abuse.

What to do about Badom

So you found a Badom in the world. But what do you do now? Often I’d just tell you to get out. Abandon the relationship and start new. I know that isn’t as easy as it sounds. The first thing is to determine if you are in an abusive relationship. This can be hard to see in a BDSM relationship. Instead reach out to friends and family. There are a lot of support groups for submissives online.

Open communication between the submissive and the dominant is vitally important. As is for all other relationship types. If you are uncomfortable in your relationship, say something. Tell your partner how you feel. If they dismiss you, it’s time to decide if your relationship is deteriorating.

In most cases of abuse the victim blames themselves. This is the same for BDSM relationships. The problem is, being in an unconventional relationship makes it easier for a Badom to tell you that you’re the one being the monster. If you are ever trapped in a relationship like this, seek help. No one will ever blame you, except of course Badom. Domestic violence shelters do help victims of abuse even if you were in a BDSM relationship.

Be safe out there, and always keep it SSC, (Safe, sane, and consensual).